phoenixleader | EMP Inbox

[They've been in their new home for a couple of weeks now, enough time to establish a routine. Get up and eat breakfast, take care of chores, then head off for whatever odd jobs or deliveries or things they're doing that day. Quiet and peaceful (too quiet, sometimes, considering what they're both used to), and Ezra's overall been a lot happier.

It helps, so, so much, that whenever Hera's talked about Kanan, even in passing, it's always been in present tense. Ezra hasn't asked for details, but even just having that much has brought nothing but relief.

Today, though...

Today is different. It's obvious from the start, with Ezra's reluctance to get out of bed, and clear in the way he picks at his breakfast. If Hera has a hard time getting a read on his mood, though, well... she's not the only one.

He's not sure what he's feeling right now either.]

...Hera? If I said I wanted to take today off, could we do that?

[ It's been a couple of weeks since they've settled in, living on this strange planet in some sort of calm life she had never imagined for herself. Ever since she was a child, she was surrounded by war- but here, all is calm. Quiet, even. A place where one could build a life without the risk of the Empire coming to sweep it all away.

And Ezra has been his cheerful self, the self from before Malachor. They hadn't talked about it. She hadn't wanted to do anything to change his demeanor, his hope. But as it nears what they both equate to Empire Day? She can't help but be concerned.

What if Kanan shows up, blind? What if Maul reappears, demanding information? What if, what if, what if... And Leia herself had told her that she would prefer to know the future, so that she could change it, given the chance. ]

Well, a day off sounds good.

[ She can't tell his mood, but she knows this day is always... complicated. A birthday not meant to be celebrated, and one they never could really note during the war. But she's done something a little different this year, gotten him a new set of clothes similar to her own mechanic's jumpsuit, a pilot cap with goggles. If he's helping her make deliveries on the rust bucket speeder-bike-with-wheels, well... He should be properly dressed for it. ]

Edited 2017-01-19 17:15 (UTC)

[He musters a smile at her ready agreement. Kanan would have asked why. Rex would have probably said something about how he shouldn't skip out on things just because he didn't feel like it. And the others...

Well, he could count on being teased at least a little, especially if he didn't explain.

But Hera's always been the best at understanding him. Maybe not perfect, but when it counts, she knows when something's bothering him. It makes him feel better about broaching this subject, one that's always been a little taboo.]

Then... can we just go and do something fun? For my... for my birthday?

[The word falls off his tongue awkwardly. How long has it been since he was even willing to refer to this day as anything other than Empire Day, or as anything remotely positive?]

It could just be something small. No one's celebrating anything, so I don't want to stand out.

[The fact that no one's celebrating, that it's not Empire Day here, is the only reason why he's bringing this up. He's never been able to separate his birthday from that day before, but here, he absolutely can.]

Well, not sure that we can find what we usually call fun [ Like busting bucketheads and running from the Empire] but... I think we can manage.

[ She doesn't want to make a fuss about the fact he's saying it's for his birthday. That he actually wants to celebrate. And that's a good thing- that he's letting go of the shadows around things he couldn't control. All the same, she should go ahead and give him that package. And they can talk. ]

You know, I think I might have heard something about airship races happening today.

[That manages to earn an honest grin from him.]

Too bad. I could use a few new buckets to restart my collection.

[Why doesn't anyone here seem to wear protective headgear?

The boost in his mood helps with his appetite, though, and in between comments, he takes a few bites with the goal to finish off his food.]

Really? [He perks up, then can't help another grin.] And you're not racing in them?

[ She waves her hand slightly, her lekku bouncing to show that she's obviously happy. ]

They're too slow. A 'race' between these airships is going to take half the day. But it'll still be kind of fun to see the tech at work- and how to improve it.

[ After all, they still had their project. The idea of making a real speeder, or a real ship able to move faster through the air. Would make running deliveries between here and the surface a lot easier... ]

... Though, if I could race, I'd need a copilot.

Maybe we could show up for the last bit of it, then.

[He's all for watching races, but something that slow sounds boring.

Though if he was at all near the pilot's seat, that would be an entirely different story. Ezra lights up at the hint she just dropped.

Wait, no, gotta play this right.]

A copilot, huh? You'd need someone who's used to the way you work. Would help if they knew what kind of technology you were used to, too, so they could help to think up ways to make the tech here match.

Now where could I find someone like that?

[ She chuckles softly, then taps her chin, almost playing with him. Purposely being coy. In her timeline, she still admittedly had Kanan as her copilot. Sabine next. After the fiasco with the first Phantom, well... She wasn't always so ready to trust Ezra behind the Ghost.

But this is a different time. A different Ezra. And whatever ship they found certainly wouldn't be the Ghost or the Phantom. ]

I mean, I do know a smuggler who seemed to know his way around a ship, even if he did have an ego the size of Geonosis...

[Ezra wrinkles his nose. He's being baited and he knows it, but you know what? It's fun playing along.]

What? No way! You can't tell me you'd consider someone like that! What does a smuggler even know that I don't know better? I mean, about your ships.

[He needs to talk to Hera, but he doesn't really want her to see him right now. Not while he's still a little puffy-eyed from crying all over Qui-Gon. Maybe if he just uses the amulet, he can keep Hera from realizing how upset he is.

(Spoilers: Who is he kidding?)]

Hera? Can I talk to you about... about future stuff?

[ It's small, the details that reveal that he's upset. But it's enough to her trained ears. The catch in his throat. The hesitation. She knows that something's wrong.

And he's asking about the future.

Worry flits through her chest like a convoree, and she has to pause what she's doing to gather herself before she responds. ]

What about the future? You know, I think Leia's farther than either of us.

Well, he does fly a Corellian model...

[ She's teasing him, of course. She'd never let some two-bit smuggler touch her ship. Any ship. Her crew was her family- and Ezra? Ezra would be her copilot. ]

But I'm joking, of course. Hey, if you're done eating, can you clear the table? I need to go get something.

[ After all, if he's going to be her copilot in this world, he might as well look the part. ]

[He hasn't asked about the future much. Maybe he doesn't want the weight of expectation, the feeling of having to live up to some set script, even one of his own making. Maybe he doesn't want to know what he's changing every time he talks to someone from the past. It's been enough for him just to know that the future is there, and so are the people he cares about.

Except now he knows something that might endanger those same people. He needs to know. He needs to ask.]

Yeah, but Leia wouldn't know much about our future. She's not really involved with us that much at all. Not directly. She wouldn't know... [He takes a breath and steels himself.] Did Maul come with us after we got off Malachor?

[ Maul. Of course, it came down to Maul. It was a truth she had been hiding from him. A truth she hadn't wanted to tell him. The images might come rapid fire, slipping through her head before she can stop them.

Kanan's eyes, covered with a bandage.
Rex's face, when he found out Ahsoka won't be coming back.

Maul, pressing his lightsaber against her forehead.
Maul, pressing his hand near her face, trying to take the information from her mind. ]

... No. No, he. He didn't.

[Ezra sucks in a sharp breath when those images hit him, like a Force vision but too fast, too clear. Kanan and Rex, and what happened? Why did they-?

Maul. Maul with his lightsaber, and Hera-]

No!

[Ezra doesn't mean to break the connection, but he does, and with it every piece of glass in his room. Images like that, and on the heels of what he'd learned about Maul from Qui-Gon Jinn, only fuel the fears he was already working with.]

[Some kids might be used to being catered to on their birthdays. Some kids might expect to get out of chores. Some kids might feel entitled to taking liberties with responsibilities. Ezra? Well, maybe he takes a few liberties himself sometimes, but when he does, it's just because he can be a little irresponsible, or sometimes just because he's distracted. In this case, though, it doesn't even cross his mind to protest. He hasn't had a background of special birthday treatment for years, and it's not like it's a big request.

And besides, she totally just gave in on the copilot teasing.]

Alright, I'll be here when you're done.

[He stands up and starts collecting their plates.]

[ The connection severs like a snap, like a force blast that sends her reeling backwards with the anguish. He needs to know. The thought pulses through her mind as she steadies herself, ignoring the sound of shattering glass, heading up the creaking stairs of the old row house they share.

He needs to know ]

Ezra.

[ She doesn't wait for him to respond, only opens the door to his room and crosses to him, arms wrapping around him to try and bring him close. ]

Ezra, we need to talk.

[Ezra goes rigid, anguish and fear and guilt chasing each other in circles and leeching color from the walls. He doesn't want to be held. This is his fault.]

No, we don't! Hera, you trusted him because of me!

[ She feels the push away, and she returns in kind, her arms moving away from him in order to give him space. Trusted Maul? Oh no, no, she never did. Kanan never did, either. He seems to be missing the details from her flashes of memories. ]

Ezra, listen to me. What happened between Maul and the crew is not your fault.

[ She tries to open communications again. Tries to show him the fire fight between her and Maul. How she and Sabine and Zeb had all been knocked out, awoken with binders on their wrists. It was an attack. ]

We never trusted him. He never came with you from Malachor. He attacked us because he wanted the Sith and Jedi holocrons. And that's on HIM.

[He's missing a lot of details from her memories, but he'd been given enough to draw all the ~~wrong~~ conclusions. At least the second round of memories helps a little with that, grounding him in more solid facts. He's still rigid, still tensed like a wounded Loth-cat, but not pulling away anymore.]

Then-

[He swallows. Somewhere in the distance, thunder rumbles.]

But I trusted him. I thought he was on our side. You're telling me he didn't take advantage of that?

[ She can't lie to him. Maul did take advantage of that, and she knows Ezra blames himself. But Kanan never did. Rex never did. What happened on Malachor was all on Maul's head, and she reaches out again to try and tell him that.

Kanan, blind, telling her that he never blamed Ezra.

The crew, coming for him, trying to find him in the light of the Holocrons.

Ezra across the holotable, knocked out cold by his visions through the force, and how scared she was- not that he would trust Maul, no, but that Maul would find him and kill him. ]

From what I understand... He wanted an apprentice. He wanted someone like you, who was still learning. But listen to me, Ezra... You didn't waver from what Kanan taught you.

[ She reaches out to him, gloved hands on his shoulders, holding him steady and looking him in the eye. ]

You were tempted by the darkside, and you didn't fall. You stared it right in the face, and turned away. That's strength, Ezra. Kanan- I'm- We're all so proud of you.

[ She pulls him close and into a hug, to try and make him understand. They had never blamed him. Not once.

They were only glad that he had turned away from the darkness. ]

[It's the image of Kanan that sticks with Ezra most. It's hard to tell what's really happening in the other two there, just enough to get the sense that Ezra's the one in danger, but that doesn't matter to him. If there's one thing his family on the Ghost have taught him consistently, it's to put others first, to care about them before he cares about himself.

Kanan, wearing a face plate he can't possibly see through, kneeling and looking so worn out.

Kanan, telling Hera he doesn't blame Ezra.

There's not enough context, and yet there's more than enough to make a bubble of anguish well up in Ezra's heart. Something happened, something hurt Kanan, and Ezra hadn't been able to stop it.]

But it wasn't enough strength! Maybe I didn't fall, but I still failed! [He squeezes his eyes shut, hands fisting in her shirt - to hold onto her, to keep her from letting go, even he doesn't know.] How can you be proud of me for that?

[ She doesn't pull away. She doesn't dare pull away, only moves her gloved hands to his hair, pulling him closer to his shoulder, trying to comfort him. Her lekku are twisting in distress- When she is from, it was Kanan who had this discussion with him. Kanan who had brought it all to a head.

Now, she's the only one here for him. ]

It was enough. It was more than enough. Listen to me.

[ She smoothes his hair back, tries to make him listen, tries to make him understand. Kanan, telling her what happened. How Maul attacked them after he had gained all their trusts. How they had enough strength to pull the holocron away from Vader.

How when it came down to it, he had brought the Holocron for their lives, how he had turned away from forbidden knowledge. ]

You kept Vader from getting his hands on a key to a battlestation. You kept Maul from learning dangerous knowledge. You didn't stray from what Kanan and Ahsoka both have taught you.

How is that failure? How can you make me anything but proud when you've done this?

[He didn't know how badly he needed her hug until he'd been pulled close enough to feel her heart against his chest. Didn't know how much he needed a reassuring touch until her hands were in his hair, smoothing it back. Something warm and concrete and filled with love that can't be refuted, no matter how strong his fear is. Ezra hiccups a little, trying to just soak in the images Hera's sharing with him.]

But if I'd been stronger, or if I hadn't believed Maul, maybe he wouldn't have gotten hurt at all.

[Though, to be able to pull the holocron away from Vader himself... A small part of him can't help but be impressed. Had he and Kanan really done that?]

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I never got a notif for this >:T

We broke the notifs. :c

Slams back in here time for feelings

Well, if you're here for feelings...

Re: Well, if you're here for feelings...

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